Back in December, I mentioned that our friends had asked to get married in our cottage gardens this spring. I also mentioned how very excited I was about this upcoming project. What I didn't mention was a little behind-the-scenes mental wrestling regarding a certain aspect of this situation. Namely, my mother.
I love my mother. She is a wonderful woman. She has been my greatest teacher, biggest fan, and my moral (and financial) support through thick and thin. Love, love my mom. She is also creative and a fantastic gardener. She's got so many great qualities that it would take aeons to list them here.
When we accepted the request to host the wedding, my first thought was, "If I mention this to my mom, she's going to want to come up here and help." Sure enough, my email mentioning the wedding was immediately replied to with "I can come up and help!" If some of you are wondering why I didn't just not mention it, that's only because you don't know my mom. Ever heard of ESP and "eyes in the back of her head"? She invented them.
As I was rather conflicted about the whole thing, I did not respond to that offer. I answered her email with lots of other things to talk about, but did not return to that particular topic of conversation.
And now - The Pros and Cons:
Pro: My mom is very energetic and creative, and great with flowers.
Con: My house has one bed. When my mom visits, she gets the bed, even though she insists it's fine if she sleeps on the couch (it's not - she has back problems, and the couch is a 1941 Duncan Phyfe, not suited for sleeping on). The thought of spending the week before the wedding sleeping on the floor or a saggy air mattress will have me absolutely snarling and sore by the happy day, on which I also have to take the wedding photos, and will need to be able to crouch and kneel and bend and lean to get the "money shots".
Pro: It would make my mom feel included and happy to be asked to help.
Con: My mother and I both have "the control gene" - in spades. Honestly, I want this project to be mine. It's my garden, and I want to work with the bride, get her ideas, and then execute the plan. I don't want to spend the week arguing with my mother about the details. If this wedding were a movie, and the credits were rolling, I want them to read "Wedding garden decor........ Marcheline". Selfish, yes, but honest at least.
Pro: It would actually be a help (as long as she helps me do what I want to do) to have an extra set of hands to get things done, as I'm pretty sure Bear does not have vacation that week. I'm pretty sure Bear wishes he was going to be in Alaska that week, come to think of it.
Con: The bride and groom both have very large families. They have decided to pare the invitation list down to thirty people. Just their parents, siblings, and their closest friends. They have not invited their grandparents, or any of the extended and attached family. Just after the wedding, they are taking us all to dinner here in town, then to the bride's mom's house for a small reception party.
Herein lies the main problem. The bride and groom are cutting most of their family out of the wedding festivities, so I can't very well ask them to include my mother in the dinner and etc. But how, then, can I have her here, working her ass off for a week to prepare for the wedding, and then toodle off to the dinner and party and leave her behind? It's just not right.
Considering all of this gave me a headache, and my initial reaction was to just say NO. True, this would leave me with a massive project to complete nearly single-handedly, but I sort of love that kind of thing.
Over the past couple of weeks I've just been letting all these thoughts marinate in my brain, and I think I've changed my mind. I have been thinking a lot about family, and how many of us are no longer around, and quite a few people where I work have recently lost their parents and grandparents, and it occurs to me that I may have been a completely selfish silage heap about the whole thing.
Today is my "Saturday" and I am hoping to get in a phone call to my mother. She's 71, but runs around like a spring chicken. Couldn't talk to her last night because she was at a classical concert, and this morning she's taking a friend in for medical testing (she was a nurse for 25 years, so she's the go-to medical assistant for all her friends and family).
What I'm going to do, instead of just saying "yes" or "no" is lay all the facts out on the table for both of us to sort through. I will tell her that I would love her company and her insight and her creativity, and also point out the parts that I can't quite get around. Hopefully we will either find a way around the "cons" or decide together that perhaps it would be better if I just handle the project on my own.
I'm wondering if I could ask the wedding couple if I could pay them for my mom's dinner, so that she could come along with us... or would that still be considered poor form because members of their family are not invited? Or, since we are hosting their wedding and will be doing all the work and decorations and photography and saving them a location fee and a photographer's fee, are we entitled to a bit of reciprocity?
Please, Dear Readers, do chime in and let me know what you think.
Tricky, but as you've said, probably the best thing is to discuss the whole thing openly with her. Maybe she would invest in a comfortable folding bed to keep at your house for her visits to you? Maybe the bride and groom would be happy to add her in to the party or maybe she'd be happy to crash at home afterwards or whatever. You are doing a lot for them so I don't think it is too much to at least ask them about it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input, Kit - I always value your advice because you have such a wonderful family, you must know what you're doing!
DeleteI was so pleased to get to the end and find you were going to talk the whole thing through with your mother as that is exactly what I was thinking. You will probably come up with some solutions between you. I think it will be great to include her and if she decides not to come to the meal you can organise a celebration with her and your bear and lots of photos and feedback from the wedding party. Sounds like it will be really fun!
ReplyDeleteThanks Liz - I am thinking more and more of going ahead and asking the couple if my mom can come too, if we pay for her dinner. I guarantee the pre-wedding week will definitely be part of "memory lane"! Whether it's fun or frustrating, twenty years later it will be a good story.
DeleteYou do what I do in these situations: over think.
ReplyDelete1. Spring will be here before you know it. I am planning a big trip for us in April, and I'm already getting nervous about getting the arrangements done. Jan. is already half over. My point is you can probably use your Mom's help. And yes, none of us will be around forever and this sounds like a chance to build more memories of her you will treasure in later years.
2. You are already giving the happy couple 5 to 10K in services. I'm sure they realize that. You could call them and offer to pay for Mom's dinner as you said. That would be thoughtful but they'll probably be glad to do this for you.
3. You can get a good deal on a mattress from Craig's List. We found two double beds --still in plastic-- for a rental property there at a really good price. After she's gone home you can resell it if you wish, but it sounds like something you could use anyway. Mom and you should be comfy.
My 2 cents
B.U. - I'm with you 100% on #1 and #2. Sadly, #3 is not an option.
DeleteWe live in a cottage the size of a dime. There is no place to put a toothpick in here, never mind another entire bed! Even Kit's idea of a folding bed is out, because there's no place to put it away TO. We have a very full, very tiny attic with a very skinny trap door, and no basement.
The house was built in 1925, so there are no storage closets. Our bed sits in the very corner of our tiny bedroom, with just enough room around the edges to squeak between it and the bureau.
The other upstairs room is our computer room, one wall of which is our computer desks and printer and etc. The other wall is where we keep most of our clothing (trunks and bureaus) and book shelves.
Fact is, our cottage is a two-person house. If we could afford not to have tenants in the big front house, life would be grand. We could live in the front house and Mom could stay in the cottage when she came to visit!
Now, where did I put those winning Lotto numbers?
You and your mom are going to be a wonderful team for this wedding....you come as a twosome, and maybe your friends will just accept this and include your ma in the wedding dinner etc., and as for sleeping, is there not a motel/inn or something really close by just for a few days? whatever happens, the preparation will be really really good, and the day itself lovely 'cos it is Miss M and Mom in charge!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the cheering words, libby! I won't have her stay anywhere but with me. I don't want her sleeping by herself off somewhere that no one would know if she didn't feel well in the middle of the night. The only cheap motels around here are where the drug dealers, hookers, and truck drivers stay... yikes. Maybe Bear and I will splash out on a new air mattress... one without holes. I wonder if they make air mattresses out of heavy canvas instead of plastic? Canvas would be better protection against kitty claws. Must look into that.
DeleteTalking and being open are the best bets and it looks like you are on the track I would take so you must be doing the right thing! :)
ReplyDeleteRe sleeping arrangements is there anyone who could put your Mum up? Even if it is just for a night/couple of nights before the wedding?
Tattie - Happy New Year! Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope all's well with you. All my mom's old friends from Long Island live nearly an hour's drive away, up on the western north shore. We're just a short walk from the water on the south shore, on the east end of the island. They weren't kidding when they named this island! 8-)
DeleteOh, Marcheline, life is fraught with these little (big?) minefields. As Georgette on the old Mary Tyler Moore show said, the truth is always the best thing. Unless it hurts someone's feelings. In which case it's better to lie!
ReplyDeleteI think this is one of those times when you'll have a few regrets no matter what you decide. How about an old trick they taught us in psychology classes? Make two lists -- things for, things against. Look at the two lists and see which has the most weight. And if the weight is equal -- flip a coin! Sorry - probably not very helpful, I know, but the best I could do...
I'm currently trying to figure out what to do about a lifelong friend who seems to want to see me, keeps agreeing to dates to meet, and then calls up and bails on me 2 times out of 3. Her reasons for canceling always sound plausible, even reasonable, but I'm exhausted, and my datebook is a mess. I'm trying to decide if it's worth the effort to try again, or just call it quits. Any suggestions, out there?
CC - Regarding your question, the answer that I give today is slightly different than the answer I would have given you last year. Why? Because all years previous to this, I have been the "keeper in toucher" in many relationships that have long since died the death of a rag doll. I decided to stop that nonsense. This year, I have completely abandoned my post with regard to keeping the torch lit on dead relationships. And I feel marvelous. My advice to you is to let sleeping dogs lie. If this supposed friend of yours really wants to see you, let THEM set up the date and time and hope that YOU decide to show up. Free your mind, and the rest will follow. To quote a great song from the 1990's.
DeleteThanks, Marcheline. You're a very wise lady. xoxox
DeleteCon: My house has one bed.
ReplyDeleteSo buy another one. Get a decent fold-out sofa or a camping cot of some kind. They make really good cots and it beats the air mattress (which I have experience with, and which I refuse to sleep on). None of the air mattresses will hold air all night; they all leak.
Con: My mother and I both have "the control gene" - in spades.
Select out a list of jobs and assign them to your mother, explaining that you can't do it all by yourself. Give her free rein over this list, but explain that she is not allowed to go outside the ambit as you will be handling the other things. Make sure to affirm the work she does, and to realize up front that whatever she does will be good enough.
Herein lies the main problem. The bride and groom are cutting most of their family out of the wedding festivities, so I can't very well ask them to include my mother in the dinner and etc.
The hell you can't. You have to put up with their nutty family and friends, you're saving them tons and tons of money, you're handling the photography and saving them the cost of a hall, this is going to take you and your mother at least an entire week to put together which is guaranteed to stress your very own ball and chain (Bear, right?) into thinking secret thoughts about 25 pounds of cement and a large body of water - and you want to know if you dare invite your own mother to the festivities?
What are you smoking?
Here's what should be happening. Your friends should have approached this very carefully, and upon getting a qualified 'maybe' from you, should have told you they'd be eternally grateful. You should get their guest list, right alongside a request to you to provide the soon to be happy couple with a list of your guests, along with the reassurance that you can invite as many as you'd like. Then there should be a nice stack of currency to cover expenses. Then, assuming you're crazy enough to actually undertake this project and good enough to pull it off, the happy couple should provide you with some kind of expense paid vacation to somewhere nice - possibly for four (you, Bear, Mom and Mom's Boy Toy). The happier they are, the better the vacation. Maybe a junket to Vegas with tickets to a good show.
Me, after I stopped laughing I'd tell them to rent the Shotgunner's Hall in Berkey, Ohio. They'll get it cheap and the place is durable, and it has a private trap range out back. Hey, the Fawn Motel is right down the street and it has a nice "Honeymoon Suite" that has a waterbed with a mirror on the ceiling. So, when the happy couple is suitably hammered, they can go down to the Fawn and celebrate being married. Wink-wink nudge-nudge and heh-heh-heh.
No kidding, I wouldn't do it. If you're determined to do this, get your mom to help you and beg forgiveness from Bear in advance.
Mad Jack - I heartily appreciate your sense of humor and your lengthy essay of a reply! As to your first suggestion, I direct your attention to my answer to Bunched Undies, wherein I deal with the question of more beds.
DeleteAs to your suggestion for a remedy for "the control gene" - that's BRILLIANT.
As to the rest of it: This couple happens to be a) very dear friends of ours and b) our tenants. They are in their twenties, and trying to save money to buy their own house. They don't have a dime to spare, which is why they are trying to get as many family and friends to help them out. I would no more ask them to pay or reward us for our help than I would french kiss a camel.
I will, however, ask them if my mother can come to the dinner and party afterwards, as she is (as it turns out) going to be coming here to help us get ready for the blessed event. I agree with you - it is not too much to ask, considering how much effort and expense we will be saving them and laying out ourselves.
Thanks for your wit and wisdom - you write wonderfully!
P.S. I smoke tobacco pipes, actually. As evidenced in this post: http://mrssplapthing.blogspot.com/2010/02/and-now-back-to-wacky.html
And the occasional clove cigarette. That is quite enough, considering I'm crazy as a coot to start with.